Thursday, 27 February 2014

The shattered dreams for a quest for love

So, it comes to the final week in febuary, times haven't changed that much, the weather is still quite stormy every other day, i'm still owed the £900 and i've been told to await payment, girls are getting knocked up every other days then soon things turn for the worse in the things in life you were paranoid would happen, happen at the worst time. But although i'm reluctant to rant about this, this is important and crucial to the search where this blog was to sum up, so its needed.

So it was a Tuesday morning, the weather was mixed, although it was sunny blue sky, there was a bas class of spitty rain, now this was worrying me to be able to get into town and sort out an extra birthday present for charley as well to get a belated valentines for the one girl i've missed and whos really been on my mind, maybe shes become into my dream girl in various ways, maybe i was turning to her while the money situation was on my mind, to keep me sane, or at least feel happy. But the weather became better so i headed out and cycled to wagamamma's to get the gifts. It was a nice ride, it did take longer than i thought, but i got there, only mildly soaked and that was as i got into town.

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So i got there and it was quite nice, sure the weather was a bit damp but that would be the least on my mind afterwards.
Outside Wagamamma's in Royal William Yard

So i walked in there and there was a blonde bbw serving, she was nice and was nice enough to colour code the cards, i loaded up £20 on each, paid in cash, luckily i got paid £70 for buying a £35 320GB laptop hard drive for a friend of my sisters and get his laptop up and running, that and i've not been topping up on my card until i've had the money back, which has almost been for 4 weeks now :@. Anyways i walked out and got the cards
The Cards i bought. its a nice style for a common card
Now this was when i found out, the one thing i had been dreading for months, Emma got engaged. 
I instantly knew this was going to hurt, i still wish it never happened, but it did, i felt tears and instantly weak. This wasn't good, well for her it is of course, since she gets happy but for someone that would of done almost anything to be with her and this means alot. So i travelled back into town, tears were out of my eyes but i had to push on. I got into town, then parked the bike and went for a toilet, i couldn't keep this in, i slammed my head on the cubicle door thrice, i hated what just happened. The next bit was trying to keep myself together when writing out her belated card. I was shaking as i was by the lottery stand, i wanted to baul my eyes out, maybe i'm over exaggerating but this was alot of happiness just grabbed and kicked to the ground.

Now this was time to actually do this and do what i wanted to get done, although what i wrote was different to what i wanted to write, it was the only thing i could think, but i walked in to maisie's work and after borrowing a pen from a black makeup artist, i wrote a note to her to ask to deliver it and left it under the card reader then walked out and waited in cex for a while, after about 10 minutes looking at phones and ipods, Pete, James and Nath walked in, we said hi and then i was nervy and then after pete asked what i got from wagammas, i told him and nearly burst again, i didn't want them to see that but my emotions were running high. But then it was waiting around and nath was planning to trade in his lover's 360 slim to get a xbone then trade that in for £300 to buy a ps4 for £225, its a long shot but it could work. Then we walked around town for a bit and ended up in Mcdonalds for the afternoon, i didn't feel hungry at all, especially after losing her, so it was pretty much chatting about various things, from geeky stuff to even finding out Bronti and Sash want to do a day out within 2 weeks, i felt skeptical but shes wanting to do something which i should take up on, especially since next week, last year was the first night i saw emma and was in her car, which we went ghost hunting . Which makes it feel at a time i might of been able to do something with her has been washed away. I did get a text from Charley when she found out and she tried to cheer me up, but what she said stuck in with me, maybe in a way which makes me feel uneasy on top of this but i'll get into that later. Things will be better with me and her soon, but that you can find out soon.

After that, it was on the way to the Job Centre, since Swaggy had to get something sorted out with working links, i don't know what but it was a short time to walk around with them. After getting in there, Nath saying the printers were fucked with the touchscreen mini job workstations, it was a quick walk out and back through drake's circus. By this time it was 3:49 and then we split our ways, James and Nath went to working links, Pete went to get the bus and i cycled back home. Now this was a harder ride, with everything on my mind, i didn't want to keep going and even part of me wanted to just crash into a car but as much as i deserve it for being an idiot and not trying hard enough so i could of had the chance. It would cause my life to be much worse and lose out even moreso than now. 

But before i left, i did do one thing which i perhaps shouldn't of done or actually won't even matter or even make it worse, but i had been hesitating on doing this for a while and i said to myself that "she needs a personal touch", so i walked into the florists in mutley and looked for something and explained i was looking for a belated valentines present, she suggest some flowers for £5 and i bought them, i was nervous, feeling like a heartless douchebag but i knew that if i didn't do this, someone else will and it would end up feeling the same with someone else as well as Emma, although i feels its going to end up like that anyway. So i wrote the card out the sales rep gave me, she did convince me to have a card, she mentioned that "use girls are weird, we like the tiny things like this". So i wrote it out. 
The writing in the card, part of me knew this won't make anything happen but i've lost enough already. 

The flowers i bough Sophie
Now i left and cycled over to a few blocks down the road and then i was nervous as i walked in her best mate's works and waited for a minute until she was finished chatting to a colleague, then i spoke to another staff member asking if i could speak to ash, she said ok then i waled over and she was wearing a nice red top along with some nice glasses, i asked if she could give this to sophie, she said yes and then i walked out after thanknig her, then it was another cycle back, to reflect on the possible choices i could take to win her heart over, but nothing viable was there, just the good old fashioned revenge on him and make him really know how much this has hurt me. Will it happen, it probably won't but i won't back down if it does. 
Eventually i got home about 6:30 and it was cold as well as tea was just about ready which was nice.

 But this was pretty much it. This was the clear track of finding out that i've lost the dream girl, the angel, the jackpot, whatever someone would call the "one". I know i haven't made as much effort as i should have, i knew i fell into a dream of wonder when me and her started which was going to end up for worse, but i wanted to actually make this work, time has changed in the 2+ years that i've fallen for Emma, from the world of Technology rapidly evolving, from being given more responsibility in work, from boosting up this blog, from making not one but 2 Short stories which although i wanted to many years ago with Sammy and her best friend Seona, i never had the courage and skill to do it, which she gave me indirectly, i've even done crazy amounts of present giving, which as much as some people are shocked with, i've learned and become alot more confident on doing it, i've had to be a heck of alot stronger to actually ask someone to get it to her, whether some were reluctant or some were happy to help like Jess which i can thank Emma for. 

I know this seems long winded and ranting and even creepy that someone i've only met once but fallen in love with and realised i could of had a shot something which i could of been content with, settled down with, had my first kiss and non family or animal cuddle with, have my first sleepover with, have my first proper date with, have my first calendar gift holiday where we both get presents with, have the "meet the parents" meal type event (Even try cassie's amazing roasts one day), have my first holiday with someone i love and not with my family, have amazing roleplay from both mine and her sexual desires with and so much more. All gone,  Slammed like a door so powerful that it would take a mircale to get back to that one chance. 

For now, i just have to hope for the best, hopefully it doesn't come down to doing the hollywood style wedding moment with the i object but for a girl i would go to the ends of the world for if i could, then its possible, i know i went too far and i know i shouldn't of moved on to her when i was still getting over Abbey in my 3rd year of feeling broken by that, i know i've put you in places where its not fair to have gone. I know i was betting my luck on catching up on the world with you without you realising. 

For the past 2 years, i'm sorry, for everything.
I still love you and you will remain in my heart, even if its a small piece thats in a shape of something you love the most, even more than me or tom

Thats all i can say. But on an unrelated note, i will leave this down below:

For now, expect a blogpost up soon, in a few days