Monday, 15 March 2021

Stress and Complicated truths - Lockdown stage 21

 Well, march has had a nasty start to it and well, it causes those moments where things are going to feel like a crash will happen, things collide. But there was time to also reflect on the current realisations of the world and even how we can change and adapt in more ways. But for now it has to be to catchup with those days.


Well after the previous blogpost, it was time to go back to work, since Customers were back on the swing with the customers, the best thing is that the weather was getting better, but it was also the up and coming risk that soon, consoles were going to be abound, especially as the chance for being able to start getting videos up since both my parents were staying at my nans. Since as of this, grandad sadly hurt is back and was unable to move for almost 2 weeks (only this past week when typing, this, has he started to slowly walk). 

But it makes the sense of using this for the best time to really start being productive, but sadly even that can be tricky at times, especially wit the massive stress of having to help a friend out for £10 and that fucked up a payment for the glasses which is maybe why the direct debit failed idk. Especially that day i did not get home until 9:40 pm and even with having to move desks in and extra visits. 

Gfuel I needed to start the day off, especially as it was 11 hours

A desk I got for free 

A Late night snack of chicken noodle soup. 

But then it was nice to get the extra parts done. Which was to get some plans out of the way with having to work and do some chores online, Rosie was getting demanding for walks tooo. Since dad was off and on, it was hard to know what to plan. The weather was just amazing and even with the strong wid

The field in the lush haze

It was also good to try to make lefover food, like sweet and sour chicken with spring rolls in the oven for a change which worked out really nicely. The Pasty was a massive one my sister gave my mum and it was nice too. 

The mix of pasty, spring rolls and sweet and sour

Then it was to have a late night meal while getting more things sorted, with my motivation was lowering and maybe it was the hindsight of what's to come or the fact that working is getting exhausting, not even online, but that was the good thing with using the sandwich maker./ 

The bacon sandwich, 

Now that was out of the way, it was time to also start a new project which was to use Opencore on the PC I built for the tutorial, which actually I managed to get it done but it was quite mind tanking as well as the fact my dad was here until a last minute call which means it had rushed timed to myself. Luckily i didn't have to be in the shop until the end of the week, due to consoles arriving then. 

This was also the time the new hard drive board arrived, sadly that did not show all of the files so a bios solder swap will be the plan eventually. But for now it was just to get that bit right and well online job had to stop since the real life was the plan here. The night was quite good.

The night in blurred

Rosie and Finley 

The special pancake

The hard drive board changed

But as this progressed it was soon time to get back to work, Time to reflect and also a goal on my mind but hopefully soon that was to be amended and start to show the skills to get back to living a goal. But it was also the time to learn the light broke and without power for actually 1 hour and 30 minutes or so. But eventually 8:30pm and it was back up, Dad just slept but for me it was more playing Railway Empire using that UK map, but getting the controls is not as easy as I thought. 

The light and power cuts out. 

But then it was that choice of waiting in a peace and then to wait for the weekend since the PS5s were to be sold and also 2 laptops are on the way as well, work was busy in that way and it was getting to be the first time to get a few bits and minus a few more visit, it was time to look obese to stash all of the shopping in my jumper and rucksack while on the bike, to make the most of a bit extra money for shopping.

The shopping in lidl

Then I got back, as i was running home, i got a text from the bank work uses and mentioned a £300 charge in Sainsburys, So naturally I replied N and heard nothing until later on. I was having more ranting and talking to myself which I've realised that has happened to me a fair bit lately too. The sunsets are soo good. 

The golden sun

The glow above the town

A Darker sunset

Then as i was cooking tea, I got a call from that bank regarding the text earlier, So it means that i was having to sort that bit out, Which the call hung up and no word from them since, which means that work is more complicated from the reduction, and it means the end of easy way to pays bills. But it was a biit of mess the frying of the chicken and mushroom pasta. 

The chicken and the mushroom

Then it was time to start to plan for getting videos up, time to myself was coming over which made it easier to finally get time to, sure some of the deliveries arrived like the Glasses and the Ring light, which was finally the time to get them reviewed. 

First up was the glasses: Now this was great to film but sadly the money spent on them was quite a disaster and me and the seller did argue after me following her advice as well. But they do pack some better quality than other types and well even with the double charging, the value is reasonable for older tech anyway. 

The box 

The glasses on with the  UV lenses 

With the normal lenses 

Portrait Selfies when dogwalking 

A wider selfie 

The quality of the camera 

Now that day i had to go to work due to waiting for someone to pickup a PS5 which actually they didn't even bother to turn up, so another customer went to go for it in the end, so that was for the next week, But it was a good way to be able to take footage with it and see how it goes for a sort of a day in the life. 

The river on the way to work

Which luckily it did help me get the chance to be able to type the review post up quite quickly, but as for video editing, it did take 2 days longer than I wanted it to be, but things soon were to creep up on me. Sometimes the best way to  cope is to just play PS1 light gun games on the toilet using an emulator on my phone such as ePSXe.  Which i was to find out that a lot of my time was wasted due to thoughts causing stress in my mind. But its soo good to enjoy those type of games on the phone due to the the touch screen. 

But the video editing for the glasses was exhausting, but it was also the time of the #harrymeganinterview and oh my god that was a lot of dish served and that tea was up until 3am. But it just shows how much of a system is fucked, I mean it really does and this was going to be a week of realising other sections of the society we live in is going to be affected much more. Plus it was also again the second time this year I had a bit of non milk inside coffee to keep me getting it done, it did not help since feelings via music and the interview twitter commentary. 

But non the less, work had to get involved and it was to finally sell the last PS5 and also order some bits from suppliers and its causing issue to even pay due that card, which just adds more stress. Especially as having to deliver a device then return later on to get another device to then deliver which was for end of this week, well supposed to be. 

But as there was signs of progress for my family with a somewhat normal return, it was sometimes learning about things and new realisations which could mean a lot of downward spiral and that was causing a hold up, this time of year can be a odd one normally but this year it hit hard and questions my own maybe sanity, its also where I've started to bring things up to myself about it and even make mistakes such as get a quote from a life insurance ad that was spamming on my Facebook feed (which is supposed to be for dads)   and then it was that daunting conversation of spending £25 p/m (up to) for both life insurance and a critical illness cover that was only to last until I'm 70, even as a almost 30 year old straight edge incel, like actually the chap was fair but I could tell he was slightly wanting to sign me up but I explained about my lack of tolerance for insurance companies. But we ended the call eventually. 

Yes for some that is very good value but for me, the do i spend £7,000+ over 30 years on a basis to maybe get up to £30,000 if i get a critical illness, the MAYBE is the key.

(which is another reason that I do not feel ready to drive and I've had that stressful argument with myself and pressure about it last summer) and sometimes those anxious moments make bad choices and decisions. Like when i ended up applying for NHS therapy but did not proceed further when a reply required me to have a phone call about it, and I never used better help since the £150 i didn't feel right to spend  . 

As this was going on it turns out both parents have had the AZ vaccine, my dad did have a num arm and no sider effects, but my mum was wiped out and felt crap on the day after and yes, it can be common for this to happen BUT with the luck I get it means it will cause damage to the business but the only thing I felt safer is to have the PFizer vaccine when its available but there is a chance there is a just get given one which could cause that day or even WEEK if it happens, which since there is no responsibility for any side effect if it occurs, it basically fucks things up and either publicly announce the business will close due to vaccine side effect for x days (which is pretty much the easy way out but could cause backlash and lose reputation, maybe more than refusing customers that could pretty much cause the business to be breaching rules like the FALSE report of the place being open back in Nov 2020) or wait until the vaccine that I have been told that has caused no side effects is in stock locally or in the mass vaccination which should then make it easier to continue as normal. Also Bonus points that i could have the AZ vaccine after cycling to the place then lose control of the bike and crash/faint and then be in hospital so then causes more damage than its worth, Yes I could take a bus but remember that time I nearly collapsed/fainted when on a bus due to an energy drink, that could happen with any vaccine too...

But this was when that realisation hit me of so many things, such as that burning feeling up to 10 minutes after peeing to even the fact that pants get damp day in, day out, even if I'm not leaving the house, okay maybe its me being lazier that causes it, despite some of those days being days I'm cycling and doing visits for up to 12 hours, sometimes its the feelings I'm getting to try to work harder to make more money on a personal level but the real life work for the business butts in. Maybe this is to do with the Phimosis and well the fact I've still not sorted things out down there due to the lack of needing to, but will I ever just go and ask the right questions, sure the GP just said its better to leave it like it is than to get a circumcision but also Gracie said I really need to pester to try to get the NHS to sort it. 

Now then, With the soon to be anxiety, it was making me feel a bit edged out and that was causing distractions like oooh a new retro TMNT game, okay yes it did help with just me by myself to talk about these feelings and try to motivate myself and well it was time to, but this was shortly after the time that only 2 weeks ago, a carport was built and fitted via a local firm and well this was going to be a tricky time, plus Rosie wanted food and that meant she was getting snacks and might have eaten too many gravy bones to save her from needing to eat dentastix more than the 2 she's had already. The Cats food she was eating as well. 

I managed to have both of them quiet and sleeping sort of for when it was time to get the Ring light review started. This was not bad to film but well it has it moments with Rosie trying to distract me, Now this was delayed in editing as well, but the ring light performed better than I was expecting in most cases. 

The ring lights 

It is quite tall in the end 

Warm light selfies

Normal light selfies 

That cool light. 

That night the wind was chaotic and typing the blogpost up didn't go as nice as I wanted it too,  sadly the dog was being needy and wanting toilet and walkies and eating glass, but the carport pvc was actually banging the sides and the poles were loose which in the morning, it caused frustration and also made me feel no point to bother to go to the shop. So I didn't and aimed to get the blogpost finished as well as the start of the video editing in-between chores. 

But this was also bad news that one of my friends from work had passed away, she was a lovely customer that said and felt like I was a son to her and even when lockdown started last year, I still made effect to make sure sure was ok but her illness sadly caused more pain overtime and even back in November,  I went to bring flowers to her care home. She knew some truths I've not shared for a long time, maybe even ever, there was a level of trust and the last time I saw her was when I was dealing with the risk of having to move away which means further running to and from work which could end up being dangerous but also exhausting, so far that never happened. But it was the last thing me and her talked about, she did call me on the mobile a few times by accident, But the lockdown 2 and 3 means we still cant and well, its now too late. This was also time to go to work and have jeans off while video editing and turn the blanket as well as making bagel sandwiches too.

The hoodie used as a leg blanket 

The bagel, crisps and the cold baked beans from a few weeks ago not used .

So that was on my mind and well it was another time to keep working, but The UK was going to be shocked from what was really going to appear, With Sarah sadly murdered and kidnapped from a police officer. Listening and mourning was going to be important to learn from this, especially from people close to you and also my actions in the past have been of the 97% which all I can say is i've got a lot to learn and in a way, changed attitudes in small stages. 

Now this is on the top of the fact that I then managed to get another video filmed, which was the nice tutorial of the cooking of crispy seaweed which was lush too. Since the editing for this was a bit shorter and did not cut out due to the laptop running out of storage for me which is a pain in the ass for the most part. Rosie was distracted while the carport was being fixed too after I left work early but missed a UPS delivery because of that . 

Rosie n a derp state 

The crispy seaweed with the extras 

Once this was done. it was time to get the chores done with Dad  on Saturday , and that meant a late shopping for mothers day as well as maybe cooking something for lunch that day as well. This was the also time to get ah I needed and also small extras for me and Rosie too. Plus it was so nice to have a ham, mayo and onion toasted sandwich as well. But t was starting to show and crask with how the talking to myself was becoming more louder and more stressful too. 

The shopping in Tesco including the mother days presents 

More shopping in Lidl 

Then it was later on and I had a message to have me travel for a visit on that day , so it was time to get that done then it was a 3 hour visit which was a PC build and the windows to sort out from that board change. Eventually I was finally home after that and with call from family being worried due to this emergency of work. 

Thw toasted sandwches for that lunch 

Cycling in the dusk and dark sunset 

Then it was finally mothers day which was the case to finally have a bit of family time to also learn another side of family too, which as how stubborn my nan can be, but first after getting up and the chores done, My sister picked me up about 11:30 and we chatted and caught up on some topics . This was while having to pickup a special afternoon tea kit from a bakery near my work for £28.00. Eventually we got to nans and unloaded and were chatting. Then to was time to have mixes of mini buffet like food.

Then goody bag to take with us, 

The first plate of the Sunday afternoon tea . 

After this it was chatting and having to do some chores like WIFI setup for google home and also the m1 key setup for the landline which worked fine, but eventually by 4pm it was time me and dad went home and this was where the conversation was getting quote negative such as how both might have to go to a home f he does not improve in that regard even though he is trying is his hardest to get going and she needs to be things vent when she's being laid back but also in her own world. 

But then it was finally time to get some more work admin done due to the issues with the card then the final chance to finish this for the rest of the night and workout the stress of how direct debit is a nasty system and makes it uncertain on money and needs to be changed and the and in place to make these changes in work soon and even for  some home bills on my end . 

But that was it and well its time to continue things and hopefully work for a bonus on the online work, see you soon