Thursday, 6 January 2022

An Anxious Start to 2022

 Already things feel like 2022 is going off to a bad start and this also leads to maybe the resolutions being different to see if there have been a good chance of completing some of them since I know that has not been the case but at least I tried. But this goes over the next 3 days before the first week which is supposed "supposed" to be a week but what will happen I do not know. but this then leads to more of things I do not know. Especially now things are feeling back to before 2019 in some ways and 2021 in others. 


But there is no music  video from 2021, things came at me 2 fast and to be honest , it was like the last hour of the year with Both the parts of the review of the year have been uploaded. 

New Years Day: 

So it was the final minutes of 2021, and I had to finish uploading some of the pics from before christmas due to not uploading pics from the 23rd and being delayed on that due to trying to rush up the posts and then post the new years and it was one comment I might of said that had my dad tell me to "go fuckmyself then mate" when i was edgy and he asked me who i was texting when I said "I don't trust you", he then went off and we watched the LED display on BBC one. 

The Big Ben for it 

Now from this fallout it put me even more on nerves since with the next few days and what could transpire it felt like this was going to make it worse and texting someone to say happy new year is important even though no reply. But this was also the tense moment of that while deciding if i have the energy to get the music video editing, which I did not in the end. This maybe was a mistake and maybe it was a case to then text another friend and we chatted about things and well, the truth was told and she did give some advice which later on I would end up knowing I've got to do.  

Eventually I woke up with the alarm at 8am which made it a bit easier and stress was still on my mind and then trying to chat in FF and it just feel the same as years of chasing people that maybe do not exist, and well i ended up doing something I will end up maybe saying is the first regret of the year. Signing back up to Feabie. Now there was actually a complication which Still keeps me in a better chance of not regretting but that was to be getting the phone number verified and well, there was no text that got sent, even hours later it did not arrive, and it was not just on one number but another. So that means maybe I will have to ignore that. 

Then I got up and it was time to have a bit of breakfast of a nice toasted chroizo and chocco nusaa sandwich which is to keep me energy going, as well  as getting the chance to upgrade my steambox to have 8GB of ram from a discount i gave a customer for fitting a motherboard to a new case in exchange for that stick. Then it was a walk with mum in the field for how things are and we talked about dad and last night and i think he's concerned about me still being able to survive on the single jab and it made me even more nerves for what was about to happen later on.



The Stick of Vengeance ram




The Chocco nussa and Chorizo sandwich 

But this is when things get tense as I import some footage to the macos side of things,  and then a call comes out regarding neighbours of grandparents and then it was a massive argument about them coming with me to get the jab and especially as I panicked from being in the GP in less than 3 days ago and also the chance that Home Park is not offering it for the Tuesday, it means it might have to be that pharmacy nearby i booked, I mean why the FUCK can't  this be offered in a PHARMACY which is less than 5 MILES away which there are some JABS being done in RESTAURANTS for convenience. But this makes me shakey for most of the day and even when texting after this and was also the change of me to finally get changed to then go and see grandparents which I finally emailed the NHS contact i was last with back in August to book this to finally sort out the penis and well it has lead to other anxieties starting to grow on me for this side. 



 
But with that Email sent with a lot of spelling mistakes, it was the time to go to nans and I was still shaking from earlier. it was not going to go away and still lingers for the rest of the day, but we get there and unload the roast before it was chatting and time to get it dished up. It was a nice roast turkey with some bacon wrapping and the potatoes as well. I was a bit less on edge while eating this.








The food in the towels while being wrapped up 



The Roast turkey with the extras  as well 



Then it was time to do some chores and get things like the plates cleaned, the bird table was filled up with bread while dad building another bird feeder and then it was then time to clean the windows which had seagul poo at various parts, but eventually it was time to get the Portal re-checked which for some reasons did not mention as to why it did not work out. But with a few calls later, it was sorted and ready to work but his number was not in service either.  But eventually we got home , the  shakes were kicking in a tiny bit and as we walked Rosie, only just to the railway line. But  then it makes 
my time to realise things were going to be worse and more rough. But with that doe, it was time to relax and type this up while worrying about the next week at least. But it was some nice leftovers such as chicken pie with nachos and even some chorizo too. 

Some of the leftovers for the tea on new year


But then it was taking my mind off things, still waiting for a text to get a code and also typing this post up while watching TV with parents, as well as the typing up of this post while watching FNAF videos, and sometimes it is a fucked up horror affair for it. 

Typing the posts up and watching videos and TV at the same time 


It was only 2 days left until things were going to fel scary but it will be the first night I did not have to rush to type things up and did not have to do things overnight, that will be back to normal next week ocne feeling better maybe. But then it was on to another day.

The second of Jan:



Well this was a long night, from chatting  until about 1am online to sonome with a 32x cup apparently and crashing out from 2:37 after finally turning an old phone odd. to then wake up and try to fap until 10:30 am it was feeling of whether things felt real or would ever happen and it just delays how long I last for or if i just give up and wake up, Now  this I do know its carrying on from last year but more so now that ties have been split from something special that was shared, but alas moving on is going to be hard, but in this luck, we all woke up late so that did not cause any rush or disaster, but this meant having to have a late breakfast of another smoothie as well as a plain old chooco nussa toasted sandwich, no meat this time. Plug being tagged in a bitchy group about PS4 repairs means someone is not going to listen and that means more stress for this week. Plus it was also a chance to have a 


The Fruit smoothie for the morning


Then it was a suggestion that mum wanted a bath in the morning, and with my anxiety still kicking in, it was time to just take it easy with things, so we did, especially as the rain was pouring down and make the things just less chance to deal with the outside world right now since It was going to be scary and even at various points today, it felt like it could go at a wrong turn .But then I was time to get a walk with Rosie sorted and was going to vlog but the rain and the wind was coming up, so not ideal to get it done, and realizing that not many of the resolutions from 2021 are completely failed in most cases. Maybe this is still me having to mull it over to find the next plan out. 


Eventually I got back about 11:30 and it was time to finally have the bath and maybe question on what the next plans would be for this year and I'm still nervy about it, I still have a few days left to think on this. But one hour or more later, I was out of the bath to the get some of the toenails clipped or cut for a small part to make sure they do not dig in for the next day of work on the Bank Holiday monday. But then it was more waiting for a text from feabie but no change and then debating to try out bumble to see iif that was going to work around but I think its not right just yet, but then it was time to have some chicken noodle soup for lunch. 




The soup and the extra


Then it was soon time to get changed to go for a shop for bits in Tesco and Lidl, this was a nice shop from some bits, the vlogging kits were still there, but other parts were there, even a 50" TV, But then it was to go to tesco  to get some more bits which were like a bowl, some snacks and even struggling to fine what rum looks like to then put in the mix with lime and mint cordial from robinsons. But then it was time to go home about the 4pm mark as places were going to close. #

We got home then unpacked and it was time to relax and typing up this blogpost which then it was time to have tea while edward scissorhands is on TV, very corny for a 1950s aesthetic tale, but the hoisin duck with the pancake wraps as well as the beef brisket works really well. The potato sticks from tesco is not as good as the ones from lidl since of the sour cream and chive. 



The wraps as well as the sticks and the salad 


But then it was time to relax and finish off some FNAF watching while watching big on TV too, plus gets to the point of hoping for something to change or maybe things to be less worrying, but it does make it  preparing for what was to come. But then it was to hopefully see and tweet the pics from the things before going back to work, I did try to charge the bike battery and found out the Back brad Pads have worn so it mans it will be harder to go down hills without crashing. 


The 3rd January: 

So after fapping and sleeping until this morning at around the 9am mark. then getting up at 9:15am to then get changed and ready for work by 9:30, since I was to have 4 visits, my nerves were kicking in a bit for what was to come today and it does not help when the bike's battery was not charging, But then I was off and on to my route. First it was to get to Ottery to sort out a car charger, then greeting a brother for the customer and then it was on my way to the next route. 

That was to another regular and learning on MS accounts, USB Drives and even 2FA/2FV then it was time to carry on, my nerves were starting to kick in a bit more for the next day ahead, but they said I would be ok with the PFizer vaccine so maybe it is the case. But then a customer text me and it was the next visit to be sorted, like seriously back to more visits, it was more to plan out and well little did i Know it was going to be another 4 left, I thought it would have been 2. 

Eventually I got to the next one in the middle of tavistock, and that was on a basis of the kindle to check on the books. So it was nearing 1:30 and time to cycle to work, I did pop by the GP and then got asked about if the pharmacy was open  and it was not. So I decided to carry on to go to the shop to get some things up. Such as well the  chance to finally get to sign up for feabie and, I have this feeling I did finally start to repeat  of chasing people that would either not exist or just stand me up for reasons beyond control or something like an excuse, but that I'll have to gamble with and see what happens. But  well It did work and I was online. But this is where checking things and guessing I was going to repeat the past. Plus the Sign was battered when left outside.

The scratch at the top in just 2 days of leaving it there. 




Eventually after that and some Stock paying in. HMRC paid and also some supplier Bills paid, it was time to eventually leave and get some bits in the rucksack since it was the last time to be in there hopefully this week then heading out to sort out the final what was supposed to be 2 visits, but leading to 3 visits. Even with the Bike battery still cutting out, but then a nice warm hour or so past and it was time to hed back to the last 2 visits, But as I cycled and still be cold and nervous, I was shocked to find the battery slammed out onto the road and Then I stopped and fitted it back to then cycle to the next route. 

Tben it was a few minutes later and I was going to the next visit, So that caused me to sort out some Chromecast issues but most of them were sorted in the end. Then it was fresh out  to the final visit, I'm still shaking and then after getting a slam out of the bike battery stopping. I got to the last customer's in the dark and got some of the iPad organised. Eventually it was nearling 8pm and 6 visits done. 

I got home, shaking even more and then time to talk to family and they were asking about plans tomorow on how or where they would be taking me for the second jab, since Home park was closed of all days for the Tuesday and Also mum "I know you have anxiety but you have to get it done" and it just feels a bit crippling and then it was time to have some leftover casserole for dinner. With honey puffs for that sweeter taste and horseradish just goes through my nose really. 

The Ham with casserole and kale with the extras 




But then it was browsing sites and also still having to do work like source triple monitor setups for a laptop and also then to watch some LTT video on some case. But then it was time for a bath and I got out by about the 22:25 mark which I was shaking, not from the cold as much as the temperate was lower, but it was the challenges of what could happen from tomorrow and what my feelings and emotions are going to freeze since my dad is not the best at understanding feelings of most people which explains why maybe sometimes I do not get on eye to eye or mention things like not trusting him, But then it was finishing off the show of Stay Close and the ending is that twist of the manager being the killer. 

But then it was gong to bed and finishing this to be typed up before the big day, With the plans to get a vlog sorted as well as the chance to think of some of the goals from the reflection of the first week of 2022 being an anxious mess that knows the bad stress of memories might come back. I really don't know, even if it is chatting to potential fakes on FF and no messages as of yet on Feabie. 

The 4th day  - Vaccination


So, we struggle to get up from the alarm going off until  10:15am, I was shaking a little in bed and even with a phone calls even while trying to fap to de-stress but this feeling of worry was really on, I managed to get out of bed but still shaking and then to get changed and walk the dog, Which I could hear the wind from the bedroom, But then it was time to walk her, I was shaking to still try to get changed and then get her out for some playing ball on the field. And even as I was walking, I was still shaking and feeling like things are going to be the tough choices to make in the future and how even this will feel. 

Rosie while walking 

Then It was more chaos as the wind was going up, the time  was to panic was not yet but Edge was about the word, it did not help with the strong wind and the fact rosie was deciding to do what she wanted and run away with the ball. But it was the end of the walk since it was nearing 11am. Especially as this other dog decided to sniff and Rosie was not happy, so it was on the lead. Especially as the postman was around the corner was the postman. 

But then it was checking E-mails and even having a voicemail already to deal with but those will be for tomorrow, since my legs were shaking more and eventually mum arrived from work and I had to wobble my legs to get to the car, feeling numb and looking down  and i could not stop shaking the entire drive to mutley aka Hyde Park.






But then it was time to get out of the car and there was me struggling to walk to the door, and there was like a queue and actually a rep came out shouting anyone for the covid vaccine and I froze, but mum shouted that we were but I was really struggling to walk in there and nearly fell. But then I was walked into a room and then just about to panic but I sat down and still shaking and mum was shouting at me to calm down and then it a bt f a struggle to get the jumper off before  she did get the jab in on my right arm (aka left if facing me, right if looking at it. But then it was done and i'm still shaking and nearly fell out of the door and then made my way to the car and then it was a drive back home, well almost. 









We then had to drop mum back but I was still shaking for most of the way home  and then we go to the pasty house while mum got some pasties and dropped off them, But I got a whatsapp which did make me have to focus on it and think over what to say especially While still feeling shakey. But then dad came back in and we drove home. 

From that I was still a bit uneasy and then checked the laptop and it was  time to remember Emails to reply to and still more voicemails that I have to, but eventually I had to sort out the pasty i was given for lunch and something else easy going like a chicken stock tomato soup and adding the pasta in that too. 

The lunch

As I was eating this slowly and took longer than usual since i still felt uneasy and also using water to help detox me in this feeling of making sure I don't trigger off any ills and even while washing this up later on I was feeling that little bit more shit or on edge. 

Then it was to relax and just start to type this up but even that was tricky when calls from work and e-mails was appearing so it was going to build up a backlog for the end of the week or when I have the energy to finally deal with it, I mean if It gets that fucking Bad, I'll have to work all weekend to catchup due to this demand. Especially while browsing feabie and it brings memories of some time wasters and those that you question if its going to be just a stand up or stood up again, Not missing that reality for the past 2 years almost is a good thing, (well 1 year 11 months), and maybe that is another part of the anxiety. 

But later on after it was another dogwalk and it made me almost cry since of what the future becomes but then the wind was coming back and it was time to carry on with the fire I put on from earlier and then it was time to type this up while watching videos. But eventually it was time to carry on and it was a nice chance to have some Paella as well as chups and it worked nicely in a wrap. 




But then that was mostly the end of the day, it was time to chill out, watching films and typing up and still wondering on the choices i've got to make for the resolutions this week. Plus a video needs to be done and even online work too. 

And then it the final day covered on this post since things do have to end somewhere, but it will be a re-cap of the Goals from 2021 and 2022 to be set. 


Wednesday the 5th. 


So waking up and fapping until 10am mark and it was then preparing for a phone appointment for remote access on that side of thing, which I had to setup things with lubuntu but that was sorted and then after a few e-mails to sort with some work gfuel like it was getting something useful with the LPG team. This was just after having a nice small bit of cookie and a vitamin c to boot. 

The Cookie Sandwich and the vitamin c drink 



But then it was time to walk the dog and it was getting a  chance to film the video for the catchup and well, it was ok but it felt a bit rant in that side of thing, it did not feel constructed properly, like not scripted. But the that worked for a selfie in that regard, well the hat did.


Rosie in the background 


Then filming that just didn't feel right and then so it was time to go home and maybe film cooking lunch after that so no change there. This time it was get the fod done and it was a nice omelette with some 5 spice as well as the curiously cinnamon as well. 

The omelette with ritz crackers

But then it was deciding what to do and actually I have to now decided to get the bike cleaned, since it was overdue and well the time to get things arranged for next week, since visits were booked already. 
But that bike was cleaned after a nice tub of hot water in a bucket and some car shampoo, but that helped with scrubbing things down like the mud off. But then it was nearly 1 hour later and 3pm and finally time to get packed away and it was clean. 

The Back of the bike before



another look 



After the back of the bike has been cleaned 





The front was clean too 


So then it was time to get rosie out and then it was good to take a small tripod and then walk to the same spot I did come back from earlier on and this means to get it filmed, but it worked nicely, except it was the plan to see how it goes with finally saying the new year resolutions. Now Rosie was barking for the ball to be thrown so it was walking back and forth while filming, but it was nice to finally talk without holding the phone out, I know i should have brought the bigger tripod but no change on my prepwork there. 

*insert video here*

Then it was time to go home and then 4pm passed and was getting clear sky, an very cold and it felt nice but also it was going to be soon that Dad was coming home. But it was then to just relax and check things on feabie before time to go and get some chores and it was also nice bits of battered and tgi fridays chicken for tea. Lie the battered chicken balls were meh but the other chicken was very rich and tender. 

The chicken balls, the chicken bits and the cous cous 

Then it was time to watch TV with parents, chat to my sister whom came over around 9:30 and some prison show was on but she was talking and busy working but came back from spoons. But it was also good to type this up and well tomorrow the video will probably be. 

The Resolutions:

Well now 2021 is over and ended off to a bad year and well its the chance to finally see if things do maybe work out for the future, but we do have to recap the chances to find what could work. And its time to have a final re-cap and put it to sleep for the past. 


The 2021 Resolutions: 


  • Stream more -Failed, like only streamed 3 times if any  - FAIL 
  • Catch up with the  accounts in work - I caught up to October and it then stopped - SUCCESS
  • Be able to hug someone non work or family related - Did not happen - FAIL 
  • Complete at least 2 games in a story mode  - Did not happen - FAIL 
  • Do more Day out vlogs  - only 1  - FAIL 
  • Schedule/plan out days more -  I sort of got some days planned and did write a list of some, I think FAIL
So that shows that and with Gaming, it was a waste of time, but especially with running a game store, sometimes the playing gets delayed in that side of things.


But now it comes to plan out the new ones. 

The 2022 Resolutions: 


  • Sort out the Down there problems and prepare to be able to have sex  -This has been overdue and I think its going to be some therapy work I've got to sort out, Also i have Email a potential therapist or two
  • Have branded fast food with someone outside family - This basically means a fast food date of some sort, especially as i've been seeing fast food purchases on and off the past year and makes me crave it like i dream about it, but even just sitting on the sofa could work with this too
  • Tweet more -  This is going to be important to either call out bad events OR even just feel like i've accomplished something
  • Try to make more videos at least 2 per month  - Since I feel like I've really been lazy in content creation and this needs to change and maybe make it work with all nighters now a decent laptop I've got just an SSD to change over and then edit, 
  • Do more Day out vlogs  - Hopefully more than 1 this year to be done. Exeter is the first. 


So that is the way we go, this should be able to find this out. and maybe its going to be new people to enjoy but there is more support and things will be able to work out. 

But Enjoy the new year and we can see how it goes. 

omracer