Thursday, 27 February 2014

The shattered dreams for a quest for love

So, it comes to the final week in febuary, times haven't changed that much, the weather is still quite stormy every other day, i'm still owed the £900 and i've been told to await payment, girls are getting knocked up every other days then soon things turn for the worse in the things in life you were paranoid would happen, happen at the worst time. But although i'm reluctant to rant about this, this is important and crucial to the search where this blog was to sum up, so its needed.

So it was a Tuesday morning, the weather was mixed, although it was sunny blue sky, there was a bas class of spitty rain, now this was worrying me to be able to get into town and sort out an extra birthday present for charley as well to get a belated valentines for the one girl i've missed and whos really been on my mind, maybe shes become into my dream girl in various ways, maybe i was turning to her while the money situation was on my mind, to keep me sane, or at least feel happy. But the weather became better so i headed out and cycled to wagamamma's to get the gifts. It was a nice ride, it did take longer than i thought, but i got there, only mildly soaked and that was as i got into town.

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So i got there and it was quite nice, sure the weather was a bit damp but that would be the least on my mind afterwards.
Outside Wagamamma's in Royal William Yard

So i walked in there and there was a blonde bbw serving, she was nice and was nice enough to colour code the cards, i loaded up £20 on each, paid in cash, luckily i got paid £70 for buying a £35 320GB laptop hard drive for a friend of my sisters and get his laptop up and running, that and i've not been topping up on my card until i've had the money back, which has almost been for 4 weeks now :@. Anyways i walked out and got the cards
The Cards i bought. its a nice style for a common card
Now this was when i found out, the one thing i had been dreading for months, Emma got engaged. 
I instantly knew this was going to hurt, i still wish it never happened, but it did, i felt tears and instantly weak. This wasn't good, well for her it is of course, since she gets happy but for someone that would of done almost anything to be with her and this means alot. So i travelled back into town, tears were out of my eyes but i had to push on. I got into town, then parked the bike and went for a toilet, i couldn't keep this in, i slammed my head on the cubicle door thrice, i hated what just happened. The next bit was trying to keep myself together when writing out her belated card. I was shaking as i was by the lottery stand, i wanted to baul my eyes out, maybe i'm over exaggerating but this was alot of happiness just grabbed and kicked to the ground.

Now this was time to actually do this and do what i wanted to get done, although what i wrote was different to what i wanted to write, it was the only thing i could think, but i walked in to maisie's work and after borrowing a pen from a black makeup artist, i wrote a note to her to ask to deliver it and left it under the card reader then walked out and waited in cex for a while, after about 10 minutes looking at phones and ipods, Pete, James and Nath walked in, we said hi and then i was nervy and then after pete asked what i got from wagammas, i told him and nearly burst again, i didn't want them to see that but my emotions were running high. But then it was waiting around and nath was planning to trade in his lover's 360 slim to get a xbone then trade that in for £300 to buy a ps4 for £225, its a long shot but it could work. Then we walked around town for a bit and ended up in Mcdonalds for the afternoon, i didn't feel hungry at all, especially after losing her, so it was pretty much chatting about various things, from geeky stuff to even finding out Bronti and Sash want to do a day out within 2 weeks, i felt skeptical but shes wanting to do something which i should take up on, especially since next week, last year was the first night i saw emma and was in her car, which we went ghost hunting . Which makes it feel at a time i might of been able to do something with her has been washed away. I did get a text from Charley when she found out and she tried to cheer me up, but what she said stuck in with me, maybe in a way which makes me feel uneasy on top of this but i'll get into that later. Things will be better with me and her soon, but that you can find out soon.

After that, it was on the way to the Job Centre, since Swaggy had to get something sorted out with working links, i don't know what but it was a short time to walk around with them. After getting in there, Nath saying the printers were fucked with the touchscreen mini job workstations, it was a quick walk out and back through drake's circus. By this time it was 3:49 and then we split our ways, James and Nath went to working links, Pete went to get the bus and i cycled back home. Now this was a harder ride, with everything on my mind, i didn't want to keep going and even part of me wanted to just crash into a car but as much as i deserve it for being an idiot and not trying hard enough so i could of had the chance. It would cause my life to be much worse and lose out even moreso than now. 

But before i left, i did do one thing which i perhaps shouldn't of done or actually won't even matter or even make it worse, but i had been hesitating on doing this for a while and i said to myself that "she needs a personal touch", so i walked into the florists in mutley and looked for something and explained i was looking for a belated valentines present, she suggest some flowers for £5 and i bought them, i was nervous, feeling like a heartless douchebag but i knew that if i didn't do this, someone else will and it would end up feeling the same with someone else as well as Emma, although i feels its going to end up like that anyway. So i wrote the card out the sales rep gave me, she did convince me to have a card, she mentioned that "use girls are weird, we like the tiny things like this". So i wrote it out. 
The writing in the card, part of me knew this won't make anything happen but i've lost enough already. 

The flowers i bough Sophie
Now i left and cycled over to a few blocks down the road and then i was nervous as i walked in her best mate's works and waited for a minute until she was finished chatting to a colleague, then i spoke to another staff member asking if i could speak to ash, she said ok then i waled over and she was wearing a nice red top along with some nice glasses, i asked if she could give this to sophie, she said yes and then i walked out after thanknig her, then it was another cycle back, to reflect on the possible choices i could take to win her heart over, but nothing viable was there, just the good old fashioned revenge on him and make him really know how much this has hurt me. Will it happen, it probably won't but i won't back down if it does. 
Eventually i got home about 6:30 and it was cold as well as tea was just about ready which was nice.

 But this was pretty much it. This was the clear track of finding out that i've lost the dream girl, the angel, the jackpot, whatever someone would call the "one". I know i haven't made as much effort as i should have, i knew i fell into a dream of wonder when me and her started which was going to end up for worse, but i wanted to actually make this work, time has changed in the 2+ years that i've fallen for Emma, from the world of Technology rapidly evolving, from being given more responsibility in work, from boosting up this blog, from making not one but 2 Short stories which although i wanted to many years ago with Sammy and her best friend Seona, i never had the courage and skill to do it, which she gave me indirectly, i've even done crazy amounts of present giving, which as much as some people are shocked with, i've learned and become alot more confident on doing it, i've had to be a heck of alot stronger to actually ask someone to get it to her, whether some were reluctant or some were happy to help like Jess which i can thank Emma for. 

I know this seems long winded and ranting and even creepy that someone i've only met once but fallen in love with and realised i could of had a shot something which i could of been content with, settled down with, had my first kiss and non family or animal cuddle with, have my first sleepover with, have my first proper date with, have my first calendar gift holiday where we both get presents with, have the "meet the parents" meal type event (Even try cassie's amazing roasts one day), have my first holiday with someone i love and not with my family, have amazing roleplay from both mine and her sexual desires with and so much more. All gone,  Slammed like a door so powerful that it would take a mircale to get back to that one chance. 

For now, i just have to hope for the best, hopefully it doesn't come down to doing the hollywood style wedding moment with the i object but for a girl i would go to the ends of the world for if i could, then its possible, i know i went too far and i know i shouldn't of moved on to her when i was still getting over Abbey in my 3rd year of feeling broken by that, i know i've put you in places where its not fair to have gone. I know i was betting my luck on catching up on the world with you without you realising. 

For the past 2 years, i'm sorry, for everything.
I still love you and you will remain in my heart, even if its a small piece thats in a shape of something you love the most, even more than me or tom

Thats all i can say. But on an unrelated note, i will leave this down below:

For now, expect a blogpost up soon, in a few days

Friday, 14 February 2014

A passed valentines by a begging man

Well its now one of the soppiest days of actually what feels like the soppiest years so far in my life. With girls i would love to be with, with others that feel it shouldn't be regardless if they rush things too quick, cheat but still end up with them, control them but nobody notices much or shurgs it off and other ideas, it is more of a time to reflect that my quest for love is still not going anywhere, sure its been extremely stormy, sure its actually nice to find out how selling on amazon works and sure things just have to get in my way when i had plans to be able to try to impress some of the most nicest girls i know of and have met in my life.

But sadly things haven't gone my way, which i will summarise later. But all i can do is summarise the recent month. By much of life events, there hasn't been many or even any. Since its been too stormy out in the UK to actually do anything interesting, ok sure i've been learning the ropes with selling items on amazon in work, The cookbook from canada came through which means i've not got plans to get things cooked, maybe i could do something with someone amazing in her new flat later on in the months, but there is alot of recipies which are quite cool, i've even started making candy bacon.

This is still pretty neat, there is even a valentines recipe, but its going to be a far away moment before that will ever be used, especially with the amount of people falling for the diet and gym crazes locally recently, i even called someone a former goddess since the attraction she used to have has almost vanished, its a shame but meh. But that really did smile and i did attempt making some candy bacon, well more cinnamon bacon.

 That kind of worked but it didn't have as much of a kick as i thought it would. Also if that worked for you then you an now see i got Instagram video working on my phone with the media_profiles.xml file working.
But thats been some nice stuff.

The bacon, covered in Cinnamon

Gaming wise, i've pretty much Finished Bit Trip Runner 2 (all stages are perfect and all gold and treasure collected). I've got some of the harder stuff to get done but that was neat. Elsewhere, i recently got back into Theme Park World, thats now working on both my laptop and my desktop. Oh and i recently started playing Uncharted 3, its hard to shoot but Naughty dog did something really good with that game. I'm almost near the end by making it into the lost city and now trying to kill arabs, as racist as that sounds.

But Pacman Championship Edition DX+ on Steam, well that has been fun and as well as only one trophy left and being a ranking of 35 out of over 20,000 others. But playing using a xinput emulator to make my  Dualshock 3 work has made it so much easier to use.
My Rank on CEDX+. 
That and i've not done much in terms of videos. Okay, i might of done one or two more unusual ones. Well more along the lines of Fist pumping and cheapy phone reviews. Well, sometimes i have to get the fad in quick and make something to pass the time.

That didn't take too long to make, i did get sweaty a bit but it was sort of worth it, even i was even prompted to advertise the video, which could of cost me £10 but i decided not to in the end. It was also funny that i ended up offered something from a Network a week before, i ignored after finding out it wasn't earning much if i did join.

But then it was a review of a phone by namco, which is reasonably ok, it doesn't have as much power as a phone should have these days but its more of a shitty arcade prize more than anything. It does look nice but its very weak for its budget.

That and i ended up doing another review, this time it was some earphones that i sell in work, which are quite good except the fact they keep falling out, so i need some glue to fix that, but the PSYC Capella's are really nice on the sound quality for £10, the design looks good, its only they keep dropping out of my ear which aggravates me with them.
The Capella Earphones, i got these for £10 (Staff Discount)
But 2 weeks ago, it was also time for more shoutouts, since i've not done them for months and luckily there have been a bit of requests for them, okay, its more of a "like/RT/Fave this for shoutouts" but still, it was nice to get a few more people. From paysite models like KayleesKandy to even a sister of an ex love of mine

Then it was pretty much summed up. Everything up until two weeks ago, hardly much, geekery, a bit of old fads coming back, of course, snapchats were uploaded every so often, someone whined about this and people whined and joked about something else, the usual. Which is not surprising. As well as that, its also been not too bad with more fapping, more flirting, planning ideas for gifts from Microwaves to even a cookbook for mothers day. Also i did actually buy laruen wise a nice big pizza,
The pizza i bought for a girl via Dominoes Via Paypal. Which for £20 along with some extras was nice 

But sadly, two weeks ago, on a late Friday, i got some messages for asking to help someone out, i actually did say no at first, it did take about 5 attempts before i ended up helping him, which was a big mistake. Basically he was kicked out, he wanted to get home, so why he messaged me to ask me to pay him to get home i don't know, but i did, it wasn't a massive amount, but it ended up getting more and more. I was promised that i was going to be paid back but he had "bad luck", which by this time i was getting irritated.

Eventually it got quite bad as of early this week, it turned out i had loaned him just under £1,000 and none of this, even to this day has been paid back, even though i've been told that once he has phone credit he will get me paid back, although thats been the case for 2 days. Its a shame with whats happened and that actually has fucked up my plans for this week and especially for today, which has really pretty much put my life on pause and i know i've been conned and i'm not getting it back. I've emailed a solictor, sadly that had got me nowhere. Even though this was all paypal based transactions, its counted as a personal payment so they can't do anything, which is a bit of an annoyance, even though the staff at the Twitter support account for them were helpful and partly understood whats happened. But it looks like i will have to take the next step, which is a shame but people that don't bother with committing to something they say they are going to do are pretty much well, alot of the problems with people these days.

But thats been the reason why the one thing i wanted to do this month has been chucked out of the window, i can't docs drop or name the guy for legal reasons, but thats a sign of life and its getting to the point of biting the bullet and admitting he was conning me, which even though i've been clearly told by plenty of others, i've been also told i will get paid back.

So yep, i'm surviving the storm, i've not done much to get the girl of my dreams, except maybe for dreaming about her more than usual, even enough to start the next part of the novel and also fell for a possible con artist, but thats life.

Hopefully the end of this month should have a blogpost with some decent night out type fun, but until then, enjoy a picture of how bad the storm had gotten in Tavistock, which ok its not that bad, but not everyday that a street gets closed from roof tiles falling off.
The closed road, outside my work

That and the kitten has grown much bigger, which is nice, shes still as explorative as usual, recently she has been enjoying the cage in the kitchen and looking at the bird, but shes been sizing her up for a few weeks.
The kitten in the basket bless her
Also on a final note, i thought i weighed about 180lbs, it turns out i'm much less than that, which most people will go on a "congrats, you look better type" thing, which it doesn't feel like that, heck i'm even the same size as guys that have beautiful 300lb or even 500lbs squash, which is extremely skinny.
Weighing myself, its a shock of a weight, considering how much i eat

So then, from me, i'll see you in the next blog post

omracer out